Zero progress

That's how far I've come thus far on my Christmas shopping. I don't even have a list yet, nor do I know who I'm buying for. But yes, I understand that it's not about the gifts, or even the quality time. It's about celebrating the birth of our Savior. And for that, I need no gift card, no wrapping paper, no curly ribbon. I need a humble, reflective, quiet heart. And I can't wait to be free from work so I can focus on just that.

I have one more day left "in the office," but I plan to work remotely. No meetings, no conference calls, no worries. My desk is clean and largely paperwork-free. For that, I'm quite thankful. I'm also thankful for flexible hours this time of year, which reminds me that some of the not-so-flexible times of the year allow for an easier holiday time for me. All good things.

Anyhow, I hope the time is treating you well. Enjoy your travels, your time with family, and your time unwinding. Oh, and for those of you in the Austin area, forget about a white Christmas. It's supposed to be 70 degrees. Woo hoo! Get out your flip flops!!

Ah, I love the holidays

Especially when they contain magical surprises, which this one most certainly will. Actually, I already kind of found out the biggest surprise of all - I'm going to New York. That's right, people, New York city. Ooooh, I LOVE it! I went twice while in high school, right around mid-March. It was so cold and blustery there during that transitional Spring time. I can only imagine how cold it will be during the week after Christmas. But it's totally worth it!

I'm now busy looking up shows to go see, stores to swing by, interesting "New Yorky" things to do. All that jazz. So if you have any suggestions, please do let me know. I'm so excited - beyond words, really.

There is just something enchanting, it seems, about New York at Christmas time. Or at least, that's what the movies would have us think. And I'm a sucker for movies. So I'll likely get to stroll through Central Park, as it's fields, trees and paths will be blanketed in snow. I'll get to see the giant Christmas tree in Rockefeller center, twinkling it's branches at me. Oy, I can't wait!!

New York suggestions? Leave me a comment.... :)

Following instructions

It's always nice to look down at the box of cookies you happen to be consuming and read something like this:

Distinctive cookies are available in a number of exquisite varieties for the many reasons you deserve to treat yourself right every day.

Yep, I'm just doing my part here, folks. Just treating myself right, like I'm being told to do.

Meanwhile, it's twelve days until Christmas and I've bought exactly four gifts. I have no idea how many people I even need to buy gifts for, but I'm quite sure that it's WAY more than four. I at least know what two of the remaining gifts will be, but all the rest...well, I'm pretty clueless. However, I am finding that shopping for others often winds up as shopping for me, so I probably need to keep on keeping on.

Repeat to self: 'tis better to give than to receive...'tis better to give than to receive...'tis better to give than to receive...

I finally found my sweaters

Apparently, in a rush to organize my closet last spring, I neatly packed away all my "winter wear." And I did a really good job of it, because I couldn't find it this week when the temperatures started dipping into the 20s. Wow, it was crazy cold. Why does this change in weather always happen in a matter of hours? I've talked to several people who were wearing summer clothes earlier this week, only to don their parkas in the midst of yesterday's ice show. Insane.

And apparently this weekend it's supposed to get into the 60s. Seriously - PICK A SEASON!! I can't handle wearing long-johns in the morning, and flip flops in the afternoon. I physically can't keep up with the amount of laundry required to dress oneself during such dramatic climactic shifts.

And for those of you keeping up...this will likely be the last installment of the "Kim's Tips" segment - as I know that you just can't stand for such blatant displays of my brilliance to continue:

I got a new business cell phone for work, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember the number. I'd write it on my hand, email it to myself, keep a piece of paper with me at all times that had the new number....but none of those efforts made any significant difference in my apparent memory deficiency.

So I got to thinking one day - how could I easily keep the number with me in an accessible manner? Could I somehow leverage the camera that was on the phone already? What if I wrote the number down, then took a picture of it, and then saved that picture as the wallpaper on my phone? Brilliant! Now, whenever I need the number, I just flip open the phone. If I need to give someone else the number, I can just show it to them on the phone itself.

Yep, I'm pretty cool. Go ahead and admit it....

Helpful tip

For the past several weeks, I've noticed that despite all of my best intentions, I continue to leave my lunch at home when I head off to work in the mornings. When I wake up each morning, I think, "Don't forget your lunch!" And each day I try to grab it on the way out the door, I forget. I even had to call my roommate one day to ask her to put my abandoned lunch back in the fridge, because I left it sitting out (so that I wouldn't forget it...).

This morning I decided that I needed a new approach. I started wondering about the absolutely necessary items that I had to have before leaving the house, figuring that if I could link the lunch and the necessary item, I was set. Items that immediately came to mind were clothing, computer, keys, and wallet. But how could I link the two items? Wouldn't most people just put a note somewhere? What was a girl to do?

And then it hit me - put my keys in the fridge on top of my lunch. Were the keys cold by the time I was ready to leave for work? You bet. But was my belly full with tasty fried rice a lunchtime today? Most certainly it was.

And that, my friends, is the helpful tip of the day. I have another one to share in the near future....but I'll leave you in suspense for now :)

The bottom line

Money: I've been thinking about it a lot. I guess it comes on the heels of considering how exactly I'll spend my holiday dollars, but it got me thinking. Why do I manage my money the way I do? Not that I'm sitting on a small fortune or anything, but I want to be a good steward of what I'm responsible for, you know?

Somehow, thanks mostly to my parents (and possibly my conservative, Christian schooling as a child), I wound up with pretty strong will power when it comes to spending. But God, in his patient, loving way, is showing me that I put a little too much stock in my stock, if you will. He's showing me that I derive a lot of my feelings of safety and security from seeing a certain number on an online statement. So He's working on my heart in that manner.

But while I've been good at saving, I have practically zero credit history. So while I tend to be proud of my ability to pinch my pennies, I found out yesterday that American Express is not impressed. And yes, it was a blow to my pride. But a necessary one, I think. I don't know what made me put all this out there, but I think it's something we all struggle with to a certain degree. So there, that's my two cents. Thanks for letting me get on one of my many soapboxes.

By the way, for those of you in the Central Texas area, I hear it's going to get what we call "pretty nasty" tomorrow. Freezing temperatures, blustering winds and possibly some ice. Stay safe!!

Alert: Slacker on the internet!!

A lot can happen in 32 days. Yes, it has actually been 32 days since I've posted. And yes, I fully own up to the fact that this is simply unacceptable in the eyes of my beloved readers. To the three of you, my very sincere apologies. Please, can you find it in your hearts to forgive me?

What does one choose to write about after an "extended" absence? The pressure is killing me, I'll admit that much. I guess I'll give a brief primer about what life has had to offer over the past month or so.

• Finished up work on the Katrina relief effort called housestohomes
• Worked like a crazy person on 6 different deployments
• Went on a few dates...
• ...and subsequently gave my parents a good scare about upcoming life developments
• Was a bridesmaid for the nth time
• Got hooked on another stinkin' tv show
• Contemplated buying a new car*
• Celebrated Thanksgiving with the family

I guess that's a good high-level. It seems a lot simpler "on paper" than it did to live through. But God is indeed good. I have no complaints.**

This weekend, I'm off to enjoy some festive entertainment. A movie, breakfast with a friend, an afternoon at the museum, a big fire, church and Bible study. All in all, the pace never slows, nor does it skip a beat.

What's going on with you?

*Please note that this impending purchase is not out of frivolity or excess, but sheer need. My car is dying a slow, noisy, sputtering death.

**Please note, some of you would disagree on this point. Please keep your comments to yourself...or at least to the comments section of this site.

It's late...no, it's early

And I can't seem to sleep. Yes, I know we gained an hour tonight, and I would normally be spending that additional quality time with my pillow. But I just can't sleep. No idea why. I've got 100 things running through my head right now. Most of them are really good. They make me almost giddy, in a way. I'm not complaining - but I'm sure by the time this evening rolls around, and I've put in a few hours of work, a few hours of play, and a few hours of study, I'll likely be dying to get back to my bed.

I worked last night as well. It went really well, actually. I used to think it was almost silly to pray about work, in a way. But God probably thinks I'm silly in general, so why not leverage that!? He blessed that time, and I'm praying that He does so later this morning as well.

After work last night, I contemplated running up to the neighborhood coffee shop, reading, and chilling out with some decaf. But upon returning to my abode, my couch and my DVR were looking mighty good. So I watched Gilmore Girls - it made me laugh. Then I started to watch Alias. Wow. It made me laugh, too. Unfortunately, the writers probably didn't intend that. I haven't finished the episode, but can't wait for the comedy to continue.

Of the brief moments I did see, this had to be my favorite line:

(read it with a gruff voice and squinted eyes, as you pretend to be a super-secret-under-cover CIA agent who is "really tough")

"My mother always said, if somebody was worth shooting once, they were worth shooting twice."

Ok - please tell me that at least made you smirk. It made me and my roommate laugh out loud. J.J. - is this the best you've got? Ugh!

The sweet stuff

If you will recall in my previous post, from time to time I enjoy a good chocolate. And once again, Dove has come through with flying colors. The messages this time even prompted me to note that I was starting to prefer these little delectable bites more than the (in)famous fortune cookie (which I have been known to consume in mass quantities).

Words of wisdom for Tuesday:

"Don't think about it so much."
"Laugh uncontrollably...it clears the mind."

So applicable on so many levels. There have been several circumstances recently that, upon reflection, cause me to laugh uncontrollably. There's nothing better than sitting in the middle of a meeting you're running, recalling a recent humorous event, and then just breaking out the biggest smirk on your face as you fight back the growing desire to just lose it altogether. I'm glad I have co-workers who can laugh with me. Ok, sometimes they laugh at me, but what do I care.

And about not "thinking about it so much," I think we can all take that to heart. Again, there have been several circumstances lately that have just sent my mind spinning (yes, some of these circumstances are related to those that make me laugh uncontrollably, but I digress). The mind is a funny thing, my friends. Best of luck taming it this week....

Trapped, but not for long

This psalm was in my head today. I'm stuck in cubicle land for a few more hours, but I literally cannot wait to get outside, take my shoes off, squint my eyes into the sun and feel the breeze. I don't know where I'm going after I get "off work" but I know that it will likely include a caffeinated beverage, a book, and wireless internet access.

And given this town, that only limits my options to about 50 different places. Love it!

This weekend is packed full of good things, and I'm really looking forward to it. I hope you're looking forward to your weekend as well. Enjoy the outdoors and the God who made it!

Star Performer

This man is the bane of my Cranium existence. Who the heck knows how to impersonate W.C. Fields?! Especially at 1AM? It's ok, I'm over it. Kice and I won anyways. Yay!

After reading more about him, I'm kind of glad I wasn't able to impersonate Mr. Fields.

Notable Quotes:

• A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
• I am free of all prejudice - I hate everyone equally.
• I never vote for anyone, I always vote against.
• Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

Interesting stuff....

Is this thing on?

Says Kim to her email. I keep hitting "refresh" and nothing is happening. It's like those sad 80's movies, where someone is waiting for a phone call, and they call the operator to make sure their phone is still working. And we all know that the phone is still working. It's the poor sap who's waiting for a call - they're the ones that need fixing.

Well, I'm pretty sure the internet is still functioning properly, but sometimes I'm doubtful about my own mind. Waiting is hard, but good. Not that I even know what I'm waiting for, I just know that I'm waiting. I have not been cleared for landing, nor have all the tray tables been placed in their upright and locked position. Ugh.

But seriously, I'll rest easy tonight on my new featherbed, while the chilly autumn air settles outside of my window. Yes, I said chilly. And yes, I know it was seriously only about 70 degrees today. But I shivered at least 3 times, and I attribute that to the "cold Canadian air" that has descended upon Central Texas.

To be completely honest here, I actually turned on the heater in my car today. I'm such a wimp......

In memory of Mr. Buchholtz

Mr. Buchholtz passed away a few weeks ago. I found that out today. He was my 10th grade Sunday school director. I had just spoken with him a few weeks back, as he and his family had contacted me about donating a table to Houses to Homes. As always, he was chipper, upbeat, and friendly.

He wasn't home when we came by to do the pick-up, but his sweet wife Bonnie was. She was just returning from getting some ice cream, and was as cheerful as ever. They wanted the table to go to someone in need. And that it did. It's at home in a house on 14th street.

Bill and Bonnie were constant fixtures in our youth group growing up. They made 10th grade bearable. Even if they didn't know you that well, you still felt like part of the family. Mr. Buchholtz always went out of his way to ensure that everyone felt included - that everyone felt loved.

To read more about this dear man, and the incredible life he led, please read here. And please be praying for Bonnie and the kids. Experiencing a loss like this is inexplicable. But so is God's peace. My prayer for them is that they would know His peace in ways that words can't describe.

Pray for me, if you get this in time

I'm about 15 minutes away from going running. Yep, running. And no, nothing is chasing me. Except for the curly-haired girl scout friend of mine who is training for a 10 mile run.

Why am I running? To encourage her - or at least that's the hope. She may well wind up reviving me from unconsciousness half way through our route, but that's another story for another time. I figure it might do her good to run with someone that's she's scores better than. And that "someone" is yours truly.

So anyways, it's 6:30 in the morning, and I'm lacing up my shoes to go out and run. I think I've lost it. I think the stresses of the recent weeks are finally all piling up and driving me to these insane measures. Wish me luck.

I love Dove

A friend of mine at work has a not-so-secret candy stash at her desk. And her favorite candy happens to be Dove dark chocolate. Dove, ingeniously, has made these little bite-sized candies that, upon consuming, one cannot stop from stuffing one's face with.

But I digress.

Each candy has a little "Promise message" (their words, not mine) on the inside of the wrapper. Here are a few from candies past:

• Go against the grain.
• Make "someday" today.
• There's a time for compromise...it's called "later."

You get the drift.

But the one I got today I thought was cute: When two hearts race, both win.

Now if you know me at all, you know I'm not all about mushy-gushy stuff like that. But I kind of liked their attempt at it today.

Dove chocolate - making your mouth, and your heart, happy.

Renters

Well, I think we have new neighbors. Why do I think that? Well, my first clue, upon coming home at 11 o'clock tonight, was hearing a seemingly large group of people on the other side of my bedroom wall exclaiming a muffled "So cute!"

Then they apparently moved (loudly) downstairs and the sounds of the group were a bit more muffled. But alas, some of them were still upstairs on the other side of the wall, apparently checking the structural soundness of the closets and doors.

The last clue, that really made me think that my initial hunch was right, was hearing the large group downstairs, outside on the patio with loud exclamations of "SO CUTE!" And thus, it seems that we now must go back to using just 1 side of the driveway again. No more sloppy parking. No more extra trash cans to use for our overflow. No more raucous parties on our side of the wall for awhile.

Ah, the death of a dream.

Seriously though, it shouldn't be that bad. Emphasis on the word shouldn't.

My personal scale

As of late, I've felt a bit like a natural disaster. I know that part, if not most, of that feeling is really off-base and very self-centered, but to a certain extent, it really feels like I should have my own personal destructive force scale.

Hurricanes have the Saffir-Simpson scale.
Tornadoes have the Fujita scale.
Earthquakes have the Richter scale.

And I should have the Kim scale. But mine would most certainly have to have a better name than that. I need a creative name, people. Any tasteful ideas should be documented in the "Comments" section. I'm being very trusting here, by the way. Only serious entries will be considered.

Ok, so I'm kind of kidding. But kind of not. Do you ever feel that most of the stuff you touch begins to tarnish rather than turn into gold? I'm sure the feeling will pass, and don't get me wrong, I'm not staying up at night pondering the not-so-Midas touch I seem to have lately. At least I haven't spilled anything on myself or fallen down any stairs as of late. But there's always time for that silliness, you know.

So anyhow, things are turning around a bit, and for that I'm glad. Now just a few things are left that keep striking the same chord in my mind. One of those being the reminder to wait on the Lord. We are told to wait on the Lord more times than I care to count at this late hour. But the one that currently resonates with me is this,

Out of the depths I cry to You, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let Your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with You there is forgiveness,
Therefore You are feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits
And in His word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than watchmen wait for the morning,
More than watchmen wait for the morning.
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
For with the Lord is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption.
He Himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

Psalm 130
So we're told to wait on the Lord. We're instructed to do that a lot. Why? Because it seems to be one of the hardest things that we have to do. We want everything now. We want to know everything, be everywhere, do everything, and control everything. But He tells us to wait. Not just for nothing, but for Him. So wait I will (or at least I'll try...).

General observations

I think I'm learning to live life. I mean really live it. I don't exactly know what that means, but I think I like it so far.

After we go to all the trouble to spend our young years making plans for our older years, God effortlessly shows us that most, if not all, of those plans were self-centered and without vision or focus. But then, He doesn't just leave us there with an eraser in our hands. He gives us a new piece of paper. A new vision. A new focus.

And in no way am I saying that I know exactly what that looks like. Much to the contrary, my dear friends. But I am saying that there's just something about going from pause to play.

Whenever people come into town, they always want to do "Austin-y" things. But as they say, a fish doesn't necessarily know that he's in water. In much the same way, Austin, to me, doesn't always seem all that special. But I had a spontaneous, Austin-y night. Two birds with one stone folks: me being spontaneous, and me doing Austin-type stuff. And it was life. It wasn't planned. It wasn't labored over. It wasn't dressed up or cute outfits. It wasn't busy, or boring, or even all that amazing in general. And that's what was so amazing about it.

Just a couple of girls out for the night. And now I sit here, snuggled up, ready for bed, writing and listening to David Gray, getting ready to read some Donald Miller. It's almost as if I planned it.

And I realized something about myself. Some of you probably already knew it, but I think I really saw it clearly for the first time today. I seek out the drama in life, but I'm satisfied all too often with the mundane. I'm not sure if that's necessarily good or bad, but it's something. It's a pulse.

Good night.

Another hurricane, it seems

And I'm housing a refugee and her cat. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased to be doing so. One of my college roommates, in fact, found herself fleeing from Houston early this morning. When I say early, I mean it was barely morning when she left.

She called me at 2:15AM to tell me she was leaving. She lives in Katy, on the Northwest side of Houston. After having a nightmare (partly about a hurricane, partly about the season premiere of Lost), I woke up at around 5:30. So I tried to call her several times to see how far she had made it. After finally getting through around 5:45, she told me that she was about 20 miles outside of Katy.

20 miles!!!

3 hours to go 20 miles. Wow.

We soon found that text messaging was the best way to reach each other, so while I was working during the day, we were "texting" back and forth. You know what time she finally made it to my house today? Noon. Noon! What is normally a 3 hour trip from Houston to Austin became a 10 hour trip. How insane. But at least she's safe, and she's upstairs sleeping, since she had been up for more than 24 hours.

My other friends, God bless 'em, are riding the storm out in Houston. Jules - best of luck to you. Be safe and I love you!

Catching my breath, albeit briefly

So I have about 9 minutes before my next meeting, and I figured, why not post? There's been a lot going on in the past week. A lot. But it's been a good type of busy, accompanied all to often by a good type of tired, I guess. But I think I'm finally caught up on sleep and am back in full swing.

This week is marked with much work to be done at work, and much work to be done outside of the office.

And as irony would have it, now Texas is facing a hurricane. We've had a good time joking around with my friend Rita here at work, but in all seriousness, several of my good friends in the Houston area are evacuating. Luckily, some of them will likely land in Austin, so I'm thankful for that. Though I'm hoping that the evacuations turn out to be simply a precautionary measure and Houston/Galveston/Dickinson don't get hit too hard.

But alas, things like this happen. Although the last time I remember a hurricane coming close to my backyard was about 1988 with Hurricane Gilbert. I was in elementary school at the time, so they were showing us how to hide under our desks, and how to evacuate the building if need be. Rather than get scared, we got the biggest kick out of imagining hiding from flying debris in our classroom. I even remember eating lunch under our tables because we thought it was cool. Wow - we were awesome back in the day.

Now, of course, it's a bit different. I can comprehend the destruction that a mass of swirling clouds in the warm gulf can conjure up. Friends in Houston, you're welcome to come crash at my house this weekend. Be safe!

In conclusion

I am so glad that this week is drawing to a close. Or maybe I should look at it like the weekend is just beginning. I'm really glad that we don't have to earn weekends. They are just there. Automatically. You don't have to have a really great week in order to get a weekend. It's tacked on, right there at the end. For all to enjoy. And enjoy I will.

By about 3PM today, the only "nourishment" that was in my system for the whole day was about 4 cups of coffee and two doughnuts. It was a rough morning. But I survived nonetheless.

Anyhow, the coffee was directly related to the fact that last night was another late night. We finished another house last night. It was so great. It's for a family of 6. They have 4 girls! How fun! We started with a new group of volunteers, all eager and excited to get going on their first house. But there was a bit of a snag. Due to extenuating circumstances, when we got to the house, there was no power or water. No electricity. No air conditioning. Did I mention that we are in Texas? Did I mention that we only have 2 seasons - hot and really hot?

So we opened all the windows, and had some "emergency" lighting going on (3 lamps plugged into an outside power box via a series of extension cords). We had a few bottles of water. And we had a lot of work to do.

But we were out of there around midnight. One house down, several to go. That's the update for now. Good stuff!

To a new level

It's 10AM on Friday morning. I've already had 3 cups of coffee and two doughnuts. The degree to which I no longer care for my general health and well-being has reached a new level.

On a different note, we got a second house done last night. I'll post more about it at housestohomes, but that'll probably have to wait until later today. Good stuff, my friends. Good stuff indeed.

I've got to go to bed, but I'm too excited/busy/etc....I'm meeting up at work tomorrow at 6:30 AM to sort food and stash it for the food bank in town. Hopefully we'll be done by 9 or so, depending on how many folks show up. Sleep is scarce in our house this week, but I don't think any of us are complaining. At least, not yet. We'll see how this next week goes. Wish us luck on our next project!

It's funny how God kind of weaves things together in ways that we don't always comprehend until He's "finished" - but seriously, when is He finished? Recently, I've had the "do what you love" conversation about 7 times over the past two weeks. Questions like, "how do you know what you love?" and "how do you actually arrange to do it?" kept coming up with various friends and acquaintances. And everyone has their own two cents. Most of the people I know are not actually doing what they love, but most of them at least had an idea of what it was that they loved.

I, on the other hand, am a coward. When talking to my roommate I confessed that I didn't really know how to do what I loved because I didn't know what I loved. In her "kind" way, she called me out. And rightly so. I know it's somewhere down in there, but I think fear keeps me from realizing that it really is down in there somewhere. It just needs to come to the surface.

And right on the heels of those conversations and that wondering, opportunities abound. And not just opportunities to have fun and serve people. But opportunities that I literally am losing sleep over. Things that I can't imagine tiring of. Things that I'll drop everything else to do. Things that I can't help but tell everyone else about. And I'm so thankful for these things. Yes, it's only been a week. And I have no idea how this will all play out in the future, but I am so excited to be so excited about something, and I'm thankful for that.

Check it out!

Houses to Homes

The family

Well, I got word today that the family moved in. They are happy, healthy and safe - Praise God! It's so exciting to be a part of this. I literally cannot wait to meet them and to try to do this all over again for another group of people. And due to some late-breaking developments, that may happen sooner than I think.

Please be praying for The 95. I can't add more detail about that, namely because I don't have much detail. But it could be severely awesome. I'll explain more later. Promise.

And if you're reading this and you have any household items to donate, please leave a comment and I'll follow up with you. Think about things like pots, pans, towels, dishes, cups, linens, furniture. All the household necessities that some of us tend to have in excess. Just let me know what you've got.

And be praying for their grandma. We're trying to concoct a plan to get her from Louisiana to Austin sometime soon. And we're not quite sure how that might work....ideas?

Working on a new format...

Thanks for your patience...things will be fixed soon. Promise.

I hate waiting

Maybe that's part of the reason that we're often instructed to wait on the Lord. It's almost like we're programmed to do anything but wait. But that being said...

The family is moving in this afternoon. I have no idea who they are, where they're from, what they do for a living, what their kids like, what their hopes and dreams are...but I do know that they have a home with a shiny red door. And that makes me so excited I can hardly wait. I hate that I didn't take before and after pictures, but that doesn't keep me up at night.

What does keep me up at night is thinking about how much there is to be done, specifically to help those that are here in town, but also those that hurt like this every day. My roommate and I have traded about 30 emails today swapping ideas of how we can help, who we can involve, and all that. But for now, I'm glad that it just starts with one family. And I have no idea how this story will end, but I'm so thankful that I got to help in this tiny way.

I'm sure I'll post again when I have an update about the family. Stay tuned.

P.S. Remind me later if I don't fit this in with the on-going discussion I've been having entitled, "Do What You Love" combined with using spiritual gifts, waiting on the Lord, and being obedient. My it's an intricate tapestry of topics :)

A worthwhile evening

I just got home and it's almost 2 AM. Rarely do I ever see midnight come and go, as I like to be in bed rather early. But the last 6 hours of my life have been incredible, and I haven't even seen the fruit of my labor yet.

A very gracious and generous friend of mine recently offered up one of his rent houses to the evacuees that are staying in Austin. He just found out Wednesday afternoon that a family had been selected for his house, and that they would move into the house Thursday. So we scoured the city for extra couches, beds, posters, games, towels....all the necessities of filling a vacant house with the feel of a home.

None of us have met the family yet. My friend barely knows their names. They are a husband, wife and two young boys, and they will soon call an actual house their home for the next while.

It was just great. And I don't care if I'm tired. I just wanted to write about it briefly....for some reason.

Now, my own bed calls me. Get some rest, all.

Collecting my thoughts

I like to write. Note, I did not say that I'm good at it, but it really helps to just sort your thoughts out sometimes on paper (or paper-like substance: the category under which this website falls). I have actually been journaling for awhile. Specifically, my main journal is a prayer journal. I've been doing that for years, and my bookshelves are filling up with used journals that are starting to tell the story of my life, one day at a time.

And apparently now I've created a pre-journal journal. I have this little book that I take with me almost everywhere. Initially (and there's a bit of history here going all the way back to my A&M library days as a student worker - more on that later) it was just something to keep with me to jot notes down. You know, to-do lists, grocery lists, places I want to go someday, a funny bumper sticker I saw...stuff like that. Well now, it seems that I have so many things going through my head that they can't wait for my prayer journal to show up, and they make their way into the tiny pages of the pre-journal. It's so bad now that I've perfected the art of fishing the journal and pen out of my purse, opening it to the next blank page, scribbling sentence fragments on a few pages, and placing it back in my purse - all while driving 60 down I-35. Creativity may well lead to danger, my friends.

But I get overwhelmed with the feeling that I must, in some way, hang on to the spontaneous, random phrases before they leave me completely. I'm not a song writer by any means, but sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a few verses in my head of a song that has yet to be written - and I don't want to lose them, so I reach for the pre-journal. And it's almost rude, because sometimes I break it out in the middle of a conversation, cutting the other person off because it seems more important to me to document my thought process than to listen to a friend. My sincere apologies if I've ever pre-journaled you in conversation.

Needless to say, I had to stop this morning in the middle of drying my newly-cut hair to write a thought down about an onion. What's wrong with this picture?

The prettiness

I have to admit something - I'm addicted to (portions of) tv. Each night one of "my shows" is on with a new episode during the year, I gather 1) with 12 other friends at someone's apartment or 2) with my roommates at my house and we glue ourselves to the life-wasting box in the living room, bracing ourselves for emotional punches and fits of laughter (depending on the show) for the next 1-4 hours. Trust me - it's good fun for all.

Well, Mr. Abrams, you've done it now. Did you not hear my cries last season? Did you not notice the throngs of 20-something women cringing each time a punch was thrown in or around the general vicinity of his face? Do you just take sick pleasure in toying with us week after week with thoughts of "will they or won't they?"

The bad news.

Well, you've done it now. In the words of my roommate, "Don't screw up Lost like you've screwed up Alias."

Again I say, he's too pretty to die.

A one-track mind

I've been slacking off this week as far as posting goes.

Audience: my sincere apologies.

It's not that I don't have much to write about....ok, well, maybe I don't have a ton to write about, but there are thoughts swimming around somewhere in my head that need to get out and onto this here little page. However, it's almost as if I feel guilty for writing or thinking seriously about anything other than the hurricane and it's victims (aside from God, of course. There's always room to write and think seriously about God.). But much like a car wreck on the side of the road draws rubber-neckers, so the tv and news coverage of this disaster draws me in each night. I can't not watch. I feel myself starting to complain about something, and then an image of a family on a roof or a deserted highway fills my mind.

It's frustrating to hear people criticize this, or point the finger at that. And thousands of people are writing about it, and taking pictures, so what more could I add? Not much, I guess. I'm not there right now, nor do I know anyone firsthand who is experiencing that madness. And today alone I've received about 5-10 emails or phone calls about how to help from where I am.

My roommate and I were talking about it the other night. Actually, we were waiting for Lost to start, but it was pre-empted by an ABC hurricane special. And after it was over, I was glad that I had seen it. Those images just don't seem real to me. My roommate and I started talking about a comment a reporter made. It went something like this:

Desk Anchor to Field Reporter: Have you ever seen anything like this? (Obviously waiting for the "Never in my life!" response...)

Field Reporter: Uh...yeah. But not in America!

Wow. Isn't that just a bit true, though? Images like we're seeing used to belong to the third world. Only rarely were we confronted with such things. Yes, I remember hurricane Andrew and how it ripped parts of Florida to shreds. And yes, I remember San Francisco after the earthquake, seeing the pancake of a freeway just hanging in midair. But to even try to imagine New Orleans as a giant bowl 80% full of disease-infested waters...well, my mind just isn't used to that. And to see the thousands of people panicking and rioting, dehydrated and hungry. It's just totally foreign to me.

A co-worker of mine loaded up his car and trailer today, along with 3 other male family members, to make the trek to southern Mississippi. He is hoping to pick up his elderly family members and bring them back to safety. He is planning to stop along the way and pick up some weapons. And that, my friends, is absolutely insane to me. But he's probably safer that way, which is even more insane.

More firsthand accounts can be found here.

New Orleans

I've spent two Spring Breaks in my life doing ministry in New Orleans. During that time, I met some of the sweetest and brightest kids I've ever seen. In spite of the fact that they live in some of the worst conditions I've ever seen, they were never without a smile and a hefty dose of enthusiasm.

Today, their homes are likely flooded, if they are still standing at all. They live two blocks from the wall that keeps the Mississippi in its banks. And most of their families decided not to leave, or rather, weren't able to leave. Some of them are likely huddled together in flooded houses. Some may be at the Superdome looking for food or shelter. Others are who knows where.

A good friend of mine spent an entire summer there a few years back, loving the kids and teaching them that Jesus loves them too. When the mission workers started to evacuate earlier this week, only 1 child would go with them. They can't get in touch with anyone who stayed in the city, because there is no power and there are no phones available.

They likely have little to no food. They are likely running out of water. But even if people here could get in touch with people there, what do you tell them to do? Break into a Walmart and get food? Swim down to the mission and pry off the bars and the plywood that are on the windows, just to get inside to the kitchen?

Please be praying for these people. They need to be found by FEMA or the Red Cross. But so do thousands of others.

Links to storm coverage:
CNN Special
More CNN
MSNBC Coverage

Not quite homesick

I'm still up in North Carolina :) And I'm still enjoying it. We had yet another round of good food last night as we stopped by a cute little Italian place in Greensboro. And when I say little, I mean it. We had 17 people with us and filled at least 80% of the available space in the entire building. But it was fun and cozy - good food and such. All in all, a fun time.

I tried to make the rule that we wouldn't talk about work while we weren't at work, and that lasted for about 2 minutes. But that's ok. I am still making efforts to just get to know people, which can actually come in quite handy down the road.

Do you ever just feel like you've hit your stride? I think I'm feeling like that around here lately. I can't necessarily put it into words, but it's just a feeling like you're doing what you should be doing when you should be doing it.

I was talking to a friend of mine over email the other day, and he said something that just sounded so right...I can't say it verbatim, but it was something along the lines of "I love how the same old things look so much more interesting when viewed from a different vista." I like how life is like that. It's true with sunrises and sunsets. And I'm finding that it's also true with people. And I love that.

While the cat's away

So apparently, while I've been on my blogging hiatus, I've been getting spammed. My apologies, dear readers. I'm going to try to take care of that.

I'm actually posting from North Carolina. Good stuff! I'm midway through my first business trip. The flights were good, the hotel plush, the friends entertaining and the food tasty. All in all, it's been a pleasant stay so far. Let's hope the streak continues.

I hope to explore a bit tonight and let you all know how it goes. We ate at a Brazilian barbecue place last night, and it was quite good. It will be hard to top...

Tonight, I'm looking forward to checking out Winston-Salem. Though it's a college town, I hear there's not much to do there. We'll see about that....wish me luck!

P.S. The sunrises and sunsets here are beautiful. Just thought you should know.

It's not that bad...

Ok, based on my post yesterday, I feel that I need to clarify a bit. It's really not horribly awful around the cube these days. Nor is it even awful. In fact, most days are quite pleasant. But as any of you who are employees for an employer know, sometimes it's frustrating. And I've just had a lot of those days lately. Will they pass? Most certainly. Will I survive? Most certainly.

So, that being said, another week is underway :)

I learned yesterday that every 7 years you have to get new license plates for your car. Did you know that? I thought since I had been apparently driving with both an expired registration sticker and an expired state inspection, I should go get at least one of those items taken care of....but if you let your registration expire for more than 30 days, you have to go in person to get it cleared up.

Well, I thought that this might just be a ploy of the state to catch me in the act of driving illegally and thus arrest me on the spot when I arrived to get a new sticker. And apparently I've been watching way too many movies or something, because nothing of the sort happened. I showed my insurance card, gave them my current address, and all of a sudden, the guy just pulls out new plates. I thought that since my car wasn't officially "registered" anymore, I had to start all over again - new plates, new this, new that....but alas, he just said that every 7 years everyone has to get new plates.

So here I go, needing to memorize another series of letters and numbers. It doesn't really spell anything cute, but neither did my first plates, so I'm ok with that. And thus, my car is officially senile (if cars can in fact be senile). Let's just hope that it makes it for 7 more years.

Someone asked me why they pick 7 years. I honestly have no idea, but it makes no sense to me. I should have asked while I was there. Doh! Any thoughts?

There's a reason they call work "work"

And I've been reminded of that reason on a daily basis since my return. I think that people are now getting a bit tired of my "But I've been out of the country" excuse around the office. Ok, so I really don't use it that much, but for awhile, it did have some legs.

It's not that I don't love what I do. Ok, well maybe I don't necessarily love it, but there are certainly times when I don't like who I am when I'm in the office. And maybe God is using this trying time to refine me, who knows. I don't necessarily mind the long hours, but it's the general feeling of being incompetent that looms in the distance - that's the thing that keeps me up at night. I just have to keep reminding myself that when you're learning something new, it takes time, and it's not always comfortable.

On the other hand, my "to do" list keeps growing. Not task wise (like laundry, cleaning, car tune up, etc.) but a general "to do" list of life: books I want to read, adventures I want to take, people I want to get to know better. And I like that kind of list. I'm happy to add to it anytime.

Unfortunately, growing my career isn't necessarily on my current "to do" list, and that makes for daily challenges. Oh well. Maybe I just need another cup of coffee on this slow, cloudy Monday morning.

P.S. Last week, after a particularly emotionally-eventful conference call late in the afternoon, I went for a cup of coffee, hoping that it would calm me down. This, I believe, is a bad sign. Caffeine, last time I checked, isn't normally used as a sedative. It was more of a comfort food, I guess, but it made me laugh in retrospect.

P.P.S. I enjoy frequent use of the "P.S." In fact, I think that it should be used more often.

I really don't mean to be so dark, but this is what's on my mind...

First of all, thanks for your prayers for the Morris family. Things with Bing continue to be very precarious. He's still in the hospital, and times are difficult for the family.

I attended the funeral for Mrs. Turner yesterday, along with several good friends. Despite the rain-soaked morning, God was indeed good. It was the celebration of a life well-lived. It is always hard to watch people you love and care for endure such pain, but it is also joyous to know that her pain on Earth is finished. They had been married for 63 years. 63 years! That just boggles my mind.

Over the course of my life, I've attended probably about the same number of funerals as I have weddings. Ok, maybe slightly more weddings once college was in full-swing, but nonetheless, I've been to my fair share of both. In the last 8 years of my life, in fact, I've been to at least 8 funerals.

Things like that always cause you to go into "introspective" mode, at least for awhile. Do I tell the people I love that I love them? Do I truly value the time that I've so graciously been given? Do I live each day to the fullest? And on, and on.

And each time, I come away resolved to change the way that I treat people, the way that I live. And unfortunately, that behavior change sticks around for about as long as New Year's resolutions do.

And each time, I start to think about how I would want my funeral done. I told my stepmother once that I wanted a party - because simply put, I'd be in heaven with Jesus and people should be excited about that. She didn't quite feel the same way, quoting Ecclesiastes 3, and reminding me that there are seasons in which to mourn. Yes, I'm fully aware of those seasons. I guess I was thinking that if there were cupcakes involved, people would get past that mourning season and right on into the dancing. I'm not trying to be flippant about this, here. Please understand. Nor am I trying to be morbid. Just putting sundry thoughts together and hoping that it's in some way coherent.

Needless to say, this week will be touch-and-go. Your thoughts and prayers are valuable. Thanks for your friendship. And if I haven't told you lately, I do care about you sincerely. Please know that.

What do you say?

My heart is heavy this morning, as I found out late last night that one of my best friends is now experiencing a very difficult loss. Her grandparents were in a horrible car accident yesterday afternoon, and her grandmother (who was in her 90's) was killed. Her grandfather is now in the ICU at a nearby hospital, but they're not sure about his condition.

I've experienced many losses in my life, but still I'm finding that sometimes there are just no words. And maybe that's for the best. I honestly don't remember what people told me during those difficult times in my life, but I do remember their faces, and the fact that they cared. I remember their hugs, and the way they provided for my family.

The same family who is going through this loss today is also the same family that basically adopted me in high school after my family experienced a difficult loss. I was literally in the cradle with their daughter, and from that point on through the next 18 years, we were practically inseparable. They were there for me and my family in ways that I can't even describe. And now it's my turn to do the same for them.

Please be praying for the Morris family today, if you have the opportunity. Thanks.

Old email doesn't lose it's flavor

I was reading some old emails today from folks in college. One of my friends gave me a quote prior to us going on a mission trip back then, and I thought it seemed swell to pass it along. So here goes:

"You should not be willing to go, and have planned to stay here, but rather, you should plan to go and be willing to stay." J.R. Vassar
I thought this was interesting. I won't get on my soapbox about the word "missions," but rather, say that having the mindset described above is tough to do. Yes, I know I'm probably romanticising the idea of spending a considerable amount of time abroad teaching and telling people about Jesus. But just let me continue, for a moment, if you will.

I've felt the hunger to "go" since my senior year in high school. No, I won't tell you how long ago that was. I had been on "mission trips" prior to that time, but had never really thought of it as a type of calling. After attending a college conference that year, God really opened me to the idea of going. Not anywhere in particular, but just going. And the next four years of life presented several opportunities to do just that.

And then came corporate America. When I was younger I really thought I wanted to be in corporate America. And I have no doubt that it was meant to be that way for a season. But when is that season over? Do I now need to pray that I would be willing to stay, though I have a desire to go? So much to think about.

"In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9
And here I sit in my room, typing this out, contemplating life's next steps, with a flip flop resting in my lap to fend off any pesky critters that may have come in while I've had the window open. Does it get any better than this? Yes, let's hope it does.

Why am I still awake?

It's 1:00 AM and I can't sleep. If you know me at all, you know this practically never happens. Maybe the cheap gas station coffee I consumed outside of Waco about 2 hours ago is to blame? Or maybe it was the 2 hours of great conversation with my friend Kim? Or maybe I've just got a lot to think about and I don't want to face the stillness of a silent room. Whatever it is, I'm pretty much wide awake and ready to type.

I spent today saying goodbye to a girl I've known since we were literally in the crib together. She and her husband are moving to another state. She seems so much older than me - buying her second house, moving to support her husband's job, redecorating a new place. All I'm thinking about is if I have enough creamer in the fridge to make a cup of coffee in the morning. Life is strange.

I've got a lot of people on my mind right now: my students, my lifelong friends, my friends doing missions abroad, folks I knew in college but have not kept in touch with, my co-workers...and I have no idea what to do with it all but to just confess that sometimes I know not what to pray for (see Romans 8). I guess I just like to get these thoughts into words sometimes, but I have no idea if any of this makes sense. I'll now attempt to salvage the remaining hours before I get to face another day and see what He has in store.

Why am I acting like I was gone for 10 years?

It was two weeks. No more, no less. Yet my mind and my body are acting like I was out of the country for ages. My bed still seems strange, I can't find my glasses, and I had no idea how to turn off (much less get to) my alarm clock this morning. Should I be thankful that I'm not adjusting quickly? Possibly. I'll think on that some more and get back to you.

I finally hit the wall at about 2:30 yesterday. I was sitting at my desk and started to really feel bad. Not just tired, but heavy, in a way. So I thought about my options and decided to work from home for the remainder of the afternoon. Once I got home, I was glad that I had decided to leave the office, because I didn't last much longer. I slept for 2 1/2 hours, and then still had a hard time getting up. But alas, today I'm doing well. And as a bonus, I'm almost completely caught up at work. Good show!

Things I've noticed upon my return:
I now have the phrase "western toilet" in my vocabulary.
I still have to think twice before flushing toilet paper.
Meeting Christians here is just as refreshing as meeting them in Asia.
I have more foreign change in my wallet than I do American change.
I kind of miss being a visible minority.
I really missed dairy products, but have yet to partake of any ice cream.
I like saying that I was "out of the country."
There are now about 10 more books on my reading list.
I can't wait to go to church on Sunday. I should feel like this more often.
Arrested Development is as funny now as it was two weeks ago.
I missed home, but not as much as I thought I would.

471

That was the "unread email" count after 11 days off of work. Not too shabby, but then again, I'm not sure what I was expecting. Anyhow, I'm still adjusting a bit to being back at home. I slept well and have thus far, had very little effects from any jet lag. Praise God! Really, I just love typing "God" and not worrying about it being caught in some crazy governmental firewall. So please excuse me if I in any way overuse any Christian verbiage for the next while...

It was really different sleeping in a soft bed. I didn't think it would be weird, but it was. It was almost too soft and comfy. I've never thought that before, but it was just weird.

And apparently since the water hasn't been potable where I was staying, almost everyone else on the team was brushing their teeth with bottled water for the past 16 days. No one told me until we got to Los Angeles, however, and they looked at me like I was crazy when I told them I had been using tap water. Just one of those things, I guess.

I'll continue to post more, as I get a little further through the unread pile. After 2 hours, I'm down to 254 unread. Nice progress, in my opinion...

35,000 feet

Yep, I'm actually posting from over the Pacific Ocean. We're flying back from our two week outing to East Asia, heading into LAX for a brief layover before finishing our voyage. I've had a fabulous time doing God's work overseas, and I soon hope to continue that work in the future. You can be praying about how that happens...but that's a different post for a different time.

There will be more to come on this topic, to be sure, but I didn't want to miss this opportunity to be a big airborne, wireless, PDA-toting dork. Thanks, Mike. You know I couldn't do this without you, and you know I mean that as a complement.

Talk to you soon...

Be back next month

Hey folks, this will likely be my last post for awhile. I'll be sure to write about my trip upon my return. Until then, don't miss me too much...

Crime and punishment

Ok, not so much with the crime, but definitely with the punishment.

As I prepare to take my 12 days of work off (comp time + all of my vacation time), I am realizing that the word "vacation" doesn't really do this justice. Around these parts, there's definitely an indirect punishment involved when one decides to take one's vacation.

Particularly for a long vacation, you spend several days getting ready to turn things over to someone else, tying up any pertinent "loose ends," cleaning out your inbox so that it doesn't bust open like an over-full bag of groceries in your absence, taking the last pick of the various candies scattered around nearby cubicles, delegating responsibility to others to water your office plants, etc. This is a lot of time and energy (though the candy activity generates energy on its own).

Then there's the dreaded day back. You can just hear the ominous music, can't you. I most certainly can. I'm not even gone yet and I'm really not looking forward to coming back. Yeah, there's the conversations about what you did that are always fun. And seeing your friends again is great, don't get me wrong. But the moment you open your computer and your email starts filing in, you can just feel your blood pressure rising. And then you look over at your phone, and you see the powerful glow of the "Voicemail" light, shining forth boldly. Your eyes scan your desk, and no doubt, people have stopped by to pilfer your tape, post-its and stapler. And didn't you used to have plants that were alive? Yes, most certainly when you left, they were green. But alas, now they've taken a turn for the worse.

But I don't care. I'm going anyways. Just a few more hours in my fabric-covered box and I'm outdo here like something that's really outdo here.

Still counting...

Less than 32 hours before liftoff...that is, if I counted correctly.

The countdown begins

At the time of this posting, I am officially set to leave the country in about 72 hours. Ok, technically it's probably more like 78 hours, but that doesn't sound as cool. That's incredible. I haven't left the country since before 9/11, so I have no idea about the new airport security, heightened traveler nerves, and the like. All I know is not to pack nail clippers in my carry on. I can handle that.

I'm the team scribe, and thus responsible for packaging the daily events in humorous, but sincere, emails. This is a weighty responsibility, I feel, but nevertheless, I'm ready for the challenge. In my head, I tend to compose thoughts in seemingly eloquent, artistic, rich sentences. But when they come out on paper, they tend to pale in comparison to how I actually crafted them. So the task is to just write, and to write well. I think it will be a good experience. I'm imagining that there will be a lot to tell, and only a limited amount of time in which to tell it.

Wish me luck! I'm off to finish up my curriculum work this evening. I feel like a graduating college senior who has to finish one last paper before they can walk the stage. I really don't want to work on this stuff, but I know that it's for a purpose. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

My credit card got a really good workout this weekend, in preparation for the trip. I bought some clothes, supplies, a backpack, a new Bible, and countless other things that I "need" for the trip. Ok, in all honesty, I really do need about 90% of what I bought. It's just that I bought it all at once, which probably wasn't the wisest move ever. But that's ok. It's just money. All is still well.

And if you ever need to find Texjoy steak seasoning or Purpose soap, they are available at Jason's Deli and HEB, respectively. Just something that I learned this weekend...

Would you like fries with that?

I live in a house with no ketchup. I now question the citizenship of all that abide here.

All my bags are packed

Well, not really. But that's the beginning of the song that just popped into my head. A friend of mine gave me a copy of Sinatra singing "Leaving on a jet plane" and I can just hear his crooning as I type this.

I'm getting excited about my upcoming trip. Only about 7 days to go, until I'm flying briskly over the Pacific. The largest leg of my trip will be a 14 hour plane ride, so I'm planning on taking some serious reading material. Not that the material will be of serious content, but rather, reading materials in serious quantities. I'll probably take the Chronicles of Narnia, which should be a good start. Any other plane reading suggestions?

My friend John is soon traveling to India for work. I'd like to go there someday. Two of my most fascinating friends are from India, and I've been intrigued by the culture ever since I worked with some grad students in college that hailed from that far away land.

I finished my typhoid pills last night, finally, but I guess you can't get an immunization from the travel bug. Ah, well, I'm off to bed. Sleep well, everyone.

Not so fast...

I'm in a bit of a pickle as far as knowing what to post. It's not that there's not much going on, but rather, knowing what portions to write about regarding what is going on. I'm sure in due time, it will all come together. I just need to be patient and see how it all materializes.

I know that experiencing God's peace is like no other thing on earth. And for that, I'm quite thankful. Knowing that, decisions (although difficult to make) that honor His desires above our own are far more eternally valuable than those that seek to give satisfaction to our selfish needs of security, happiness and pride. I also know that getting over something is not nearly as valuable as getting through something. And that only happens in God's timing.

So that's all for now. I leave you with something that was said at church on Sunday. I've believed for quite sometime that most (if not all) sin is ultimately tied to pride. Our pastor quoted something that went like this: "Independence from God is the only sin." That's probably not word for word, but it's close and my sermon notes aren't with me right now.

How often do I consciously seek independence from God? Who knows. But how often does it subtly play in daily life? Countless times.

That which is common to man

I've been thinking a lot about sin lately. I meet with a group of girls on Sunday evenings to go through a study on Titus 2. Last week we talked about purity, which led to a discussion about sin, which led to a discussion about temptation. The verse (I think it was supposed to be our memory verse) that has stuck with me all week, thus giving me the title for my entry: 1 Corinthians 10:13. "No temptation has seized you except that which is common to man." For some reason that's just been resonating in my head all week. Yet, as for it making a difference in the way I act, I've been failing pitifully.

Last night, for example, I had a lengthy phone conversation. Towards the end of the conversation, I just started to become really unresponsive and lethargic, which is pretty unloving to the person on the other end of the line, no matter who it happens to be. The conversation basically deteriorated into both of us being frustrated. I went to bed thinking about how unloving that was of me, and woke up with the same feeling.

When I woke up, the passage that came to my mind was Romans 7. I first remember really digesting this text during a mission trip on Spring break of my senior year in college. It was a rather long road trip from Colorado to Texas, and I got into a conversation about the text with some of my fellow van riders. In that passage, Paul wrestles with something I feel that we all do - the battle between desiring to do that which is good, but failing to carry it out. Read on...

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is the sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find the law at work: when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I couldn't have put it any better. I earnestly want to drive to work calmly and peacefully, and I wind up road raging like a maniac. I really want to speak to people with a loving tone of voice, and I wind up mired in frustration and impatience. Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Someone pointed out that Paul, whenever he references his own sin, is quick to also reference his salvation through Christ. Too often I stop at just recognizing my own sin, and I get stuck there. I need to learn to also recognize the forgiveness I've been given.

Do you feel as un-cool as I do?

I get bored sometimes. I guess we all do. My current solution to this problem is to read other people's blogs. When I initially set this one up, I just started clicking on the "Next Blog" link. However, the items that I stumbled upon weren't really along the lines of what I was wanting to read.

So I started going to the links that other friends had on their pages. Several weeks later, I have 19 pages bookmarked under a category I lovingly refer to as "Random Blogs." It's a good way to use that 5 minutes of downtime in between meetings that would otherwise go towards daydreaming or email checking. So I feel creatively productive.

But one common theme among many of the authors: they all talk about how they have nothing to talk about. They do this at least once, but I'm sure that feeling hits them at least semi-frequently. It's practically an epidemic of feeling inferior to other authors out there. There are articles about how to write a better blog. There are pages dedicated to how to put fancy spinning pictures on your blog to make it niftier (is that a word?).

But still the struggle of feeling uncreative continues. I, too, struggle with this. How open do I want to be? How much of my life do I want to share? If I put opinions out there, what if someone disagrees? Better to not put any opinions out there....I convince myself.

But one of the very reasons I registered this here space was to put thoughts "on paper" - to express the spaghetti thoughts (thanks Mandy!) that pile up in the giant bowl that is my brain. Have I accomplished that? Maybe. Has it been as creative as I'd like it to be? Not really, but does that make it bad? Not necessarily. So I guess I'll keep going. Maybe I just need to pretend like no one reads this (hmm, does anyone read this?). It would feel more anonymous if I thought no one did. Don't get me wrong, if you're reading this, I'm glad that you do. But if I'm really going to put real, honest thoughts on here, it might be better to pretend like you're not there.

I've been told several times by several people that are close to me, that it's hard to get me to be open emotionally. There are probably a multitude of reasons for that, but no one really to blame except for myself. Am I emotional? Sure, we all are. I even had to put tissues in my car the other day for this very reason. But I don't necessarily feel the need to talk about those emotions all the time. I guess because it feels weak, it feels like I would be burdening others with my thoughts, and it feels like no one else should really give a flip. But I know that's not true, because I enjoy it when people around me do the very thing I can't. I love to hear about what's going on in their lives, how they feel, what they've been up to.

I was asked last night by a friend how I was doing, what was going on in my life. I honestly couldn't come up with much to say, though at the same time, there was indeed much to say. I told him about work, about stress, and about my upcoming trip. But I still felt really closed and I couldn't get around my own roadblock.

So sometimes, we don't have anything to say. And I guess it should feel ok to say that.

You: Hey, what have you been up to lately?
Me: Not much. Just taking Typhoid pills. How about you?
You: Eh, not much.

Does that sound boring? Yep. Pretty much. But that's life right now and I'm ok with that.

Rant about my job...

I've been sad at work lately. I honestly think that I *may* be getting an ulcer, but that wouldn't be so fun. And I may be a bit of a hypochondriac….but nevertheless, my stomach really hurts when I get stressed out. I know I'm not supposed to be anxious (Phil. 4), but it comes and goes.

I'm sad because I see people making decisions and commitments that directly impact the well-being and "work / life balance" of other people. And I think that I've become one of the people who is making those decisions. Or maybe it just feels like I am…the verdict is still out.
There's a system that's supposed to work. We're supposed to trade things off. But I've been stripped of all of my supposed leverage.

Ideal Situation:
Me: "You want A and B, but I can only give you A or B. Not both."
You: "Well, it's true that I do want both A and B. But B is more important, so I want B."
Me: "Deal."

The way it really tends to work:
Me: "You want A and B, but I can only give you A or B. Not both."
You: "Well, I HAVE TO HAVE A AND B."
Me: "I understand your needs, but we can only do so much with what we have. Please pick either A or B. I can't give you both."
You: "I HAVE TO HAVE BOTH A AND B. I'LL ESCALATE TO MANAGEMENT TO GET IT."
Me: "Ok. Please feel free to call management and we'll discuss tradeoffs."
Management (addressing me): "What kind of tradeoffs do we need to make?"
Me: "I can only give them A or B, not both."
Management: "Get them to make a tradeoff."
Me: "I tried that. They say they need to have both."
Management: "They can't have both."
Me: "I know."
You: "IF WE DON'T GET BOTH THEN THE COMPANY WILL GO IN THE TOILET."
Me: "So we have no choice?"
You: "No."
Me: "I'm sad." (realizing that because of what just transpired, 3 people have to work overtime to accomplish A and B.

My cd player

I heard this on the way to work today, and I really enjoyed it:

What e'er my God ordains is right.
Holy His will abideth.
I will be still what e'er He does,
and follow where He guideth.
He is my God, though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall.
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.

What e'er my God ordains is right.
He never will deceive me.
He leads me by the proper path,
I know He will not leave me.
I take content, what He hath sent.
His hand can turn my griefs away,
And patiently I wait His day.

What e'er my God ordains is right.
Though now this cup in drinking
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it all unshrinking.
My God is true, each morn anew.
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.

What e'er my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken.
Though sorrow, need or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken.
My Father's care, is round me there.
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.

You should check out the cd.

Take the plunge

Deep in the heart of Texas

That's where I've spent the last day or so. A group of us that will soon depart to the other hemisphere decided that we needed to bond a bit, and what better place to bond than the middle of nowhere? This might be a long post, but a lot happened, and I'll try to make it worth your while to stick with the whole story.

Literally, the directions to even get there were something like, "Once you get on the dirt road, stay to the right. Cross the dry creek bed, and proceed on the dirt road. After the road turns into a gravel road, turn hard to the left. Then it becomes a grass road, go up a hill, then a sharp turn the the left. You'll see two gates..."

So we were hoping to get there around 8, and we kind of did. We got to the gate at 8 (I didn't intend for that to rhyme...). Anyhow, the gate had 3 locks on it. One rotary combo lock, one "girlscout" combo lock (the kind where you pick 4 numbers and align them correctly), and one Masterlock key lock. We had a combination for the girlscout lock, but apparently, not the right combination. We tried for a few minutes (about 20 or so), since everyone we called about it was difficult to reach (cell phone are no bueno when you're in the middle of nowhere).

So we hiked to the house, while looking for two things along the way: 1) the breaker box for the electricity and 2) the spot to turn the water on. We made it to the cabin after about a 10 minute walk. The landscape was beautiful - tall pine trees, filling the air with a fresh aroma of raw nature.

When we got to the cabin, the instructions to actually find the key were also a bit convoluted. "On the chimney, go up 3 big rocks. You'll see a fist-sized rock, and under it will be the key." Right. We searched that darn chimney for about 20 minutes, while rapidly losing daylight.

So I went around the back with a few others to see if we could find "alternate" routes into the structure. There happened to be a screen door with a tiny hole (i.e. the size of my tiny chicken wing of an arm), so I reached through and tried to unlock it. MacGyver must have been the last person through the house, because there was no getting in.

Recap - it's getting dark; 3 cars are about a 10 minute walk from the cabin; they are behind a gate that we can't get open; and we're trying to break into a cabin in the woods.

One of the team members made it half way up the chimney, climbing up the jagged rocks that poke out from all side in all angles. He picks up a rock, and voila - the key! So we're now into the cabin. And wow, I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. My first instinct, as an avid insect lover (liberally using heavy sarcasm) was to scan the room for creatures that have more than 2 legs. Almost immediately, I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen. It had a "funnel web" which apparently means bad news. So we started to consider how to kill it, and it immediately scurries into a folded up camping chair. That chair rapidly made it out to the woods, spider in tow.

So I started looking around a bit more. We found 2 more large spiders, one of which we aptly named "Big Momma." Why did we name it Big Momma? Well, it was about the size of a small Eurpoean car, but it had a web, and multiple eyes/legs. We decided that our best weapon, aside from an armored military vehicle, was the shop vac that happened to be in the "living room." We sucked those spiders right up, but not before I snapped some crazy arachnid pictures!

Recap - we got into the cabin; we found multiple large spiders (which we think might be Brown Recluses); we sucked two of those spiders up with a shopvac and threw one out into the woods; it's getting dark; 3 cars are about a 10 minute walk from the cabin; and they are behind a gate that we can't get open.

Brilliant! So while some of the team members readied the house (i.e. vacuumed up all the spiders), the rest of us went back down to the gate. We had two flashlights and a really sweet (nerdy) headlamp, a toolkit and a whole lotta team spirit. We worked on that darn gate for a good 45 minutes. We tried every combination known to man, we tried taking the gate off the hinges....but alas, no gate.

Until...the same guy who found the key earlier had come down with the rest of the crew. He went to work on the girlscout lock and just started incrementing numbers one at a time. After about 30 minutes or so, voila! Open lock - open gate!

We finally made it to the "clean" cabin about 2 1/2 hours after we first got there. How's that for teambuilding!

The night was toasty, but not unbearable. The girls slept upstairs (in the spider den), and the men were downstairs. I kept waking up paranoid that I was being crawled upon. But things were fine, for the most part. The grossest thing, by far, happened in the morning when I was getting ready. I pulled out my toothbrush from my toiletries bag, but realized that in order to make it down the very precarious stairs, I needed both hands. So I put the non-brush end in my mouth. AHHHHHHH! I spit something out very quickly. At first it looked like black fuzz. But nope, it was a dead spider.

oh.my.goodness.

That's about the most disgusting thing that has happened to me in the past 9 years.

Sure. I can handle using nature as a bathroom. No problem there. I can handle a variety of other ailments or inconveniences. But a huge dead spider in my mouth? Take me out and shoot me.

Other than that, it was pretty uneventful for the most part. But I'm getting really excited about the trip...

These things are dumb

But if you need to waste 5 minutes of your downtime at work, then give it a try. Here are my results, not that they are hugely accurate or anything. I figured I slanted on the Reformed side of things, but I honestly don't know much about what Methodists belive. I think I'll stick with where I am....

Anyhow, take it with a grain of salt:

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 64% Reformed Evangelical 64% Fundamentalist 64% Neo orthodox 61% Emergent/Postmodern 50% Classical Liberal 39% Roman Catholic 29% Charismatic/Pentecostal 29% Modern Liberal 21% What's your theological worldview?

Houston, we have a problem

I guess I'm just jaded, or polite, but I didn't really think that people honestly conducted business on the phone while taking care of business.

I took a trip to the ladies room today at work to discover that in the stall next to me was a woman who was on the phone. "Maybe she's talking to a friend?" I thought to myself. I know a few girls who do that, though I'm not one of them....my roommate, on the other hand...

Anyhow, so the conversation continued, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhear that they were indeed talking about work (and she was talking to a man! Though even if a woman had been on the other end of the phone, I would have still been slightly appalled). She was having a meeting while going to the bathroom. Am I the only one who thinks this is odd? Or maybe a bit impolite?

Granted, I have worn flip flops to work before. I have worn jeans with an apparent tear in them, unintentionally. But I think those things pale in comparison to this event. Multitasking, yes. Professional, no.

Practice makes perfect

For my upcoming trip to East Asia, I figured it might be good to break out some bargaining, in hopes to be ready to possibly haggle for random street goods at any point during the trip. So I put my meager skills to the initial test last night.

Let it be known, folks at the Dell Diamond do not haggle.

But I gave it a shot anyways. I found out that there's at least a 50 cent margin on funnel cakes.

I also found out that lions don't always eat people. Hmm. Who knew?

Please don't, seriously

I have apparently misplaced my check card. I didn't discover this until I was next in line to pay for my lunch at a dining establishment earlier today. Upon writing my check, the cashier, a man who could not have been more than 5 years older than me, said in a snooty/cool voice:

"I'm gonna need to see a current address and phone number, sweetheart."

Seriously, you're 30. I'm not 12, nor am I 65. You can call me "miss," but not "ma'am," and certainly not "sweetheart." Take my check, hand me my food, and don't make cutsie talk about my beverage selection.

Deal?

Single mom

I babysat yesterday for three of my cousins. They range in age from 4-11. Two young boys (4 & 5) and one older girl. It was quite an adventure, I'll tell you that.

Highlights:

• Watching the 4 year old giggle with excitement during "Madagascar"
• Seeing an elderly woman in the popcorn line look at me with a loving expression as I asked the 4 year old to be patient and stand in line with me
• Being encouraged in the Ladies room by a 12 year old who thought that the two small boys I had brought in there were mine. (She told me I was doing a good job, after I explained that I was babysitting)

Lowlights:

• Pulling the car over on the road to break up a fight that took place between the two gentlemen in the backseat over the mini-gameboy (Note: Let it be known that if I ever have kids, I will try my darndest to keep small electronic toys as far away from their tiny little hands as possible)
• Seeing the 4 year old bean the 5 year old in the face with a softball (Note: Let it be known that this was a total accident, but resulted in a sizeable tantrum)
• Bedtime (Note: It was entertaining watching the kids try pulling out every excuse in the book hoping to extend their hours of consciousness into the wee hours of the morning)

All in all, it was a fun evening. I think most people in the movie theater and crowded restaurant thought that I was a single parent (who apparently had my first child while I was in Jr. High). I got a lot of "Oooh, sorry for you, hun" looks from the good 'ol boys who were eating their seafood. And the ticket taker (cool high school boy) had zero patience with me as I ordered my tickets while chasing a preschooler around the sidewalk. I think I even caught an eye-roll. Lovely.

But the woman in the concession line seemed genuinely pleased that I used loving discipline to teach patience to the little guy who was trying his best to escape into the crowded theater. She had a kind look on her face. Or at least, that's how I took it. Come to think of it, it might have been more of a "bless your heart" (i.e. you poor girl). Either way, it made me smile.

Now what?

If you've been following my recent home renovation saga, I have a new chapter to write. I've been without a desk for quite awhile - over a year at this point. So I've been keeping an eye out for one, but not pursuing anything seriously (sounds like a relationship...scary).

My roommate sent me a link to this desk and I found that it would suit the space in my room rather well. It was supposed to be delivered either yesterday or today, so I was getting excited. But when I got home yesterday - no desk.

But I guess UPS is like Santa, because when I walked outside this morning to leave for work, a giant box with the word "desk" on it was sitting in my yard. No note. No cookies or milk. Just a box in my yard. So I lugged it up to my room and assembled it swiftly, as I was excited about new furniture.

The desk, if you will notice, also doubles as an "entry table." This wasn't particularly an added bonus for me, but it's good to know. It's also good to know that because of that fact, it's a bit on the tall side. So now my desk chair (borrowed from my roomie) is slightly dwarfed by the table/desk. So I'm now apparently in the market for a desk chair. Yeah me.

Lesson learned - set aside some cash. It's the snowball effect, I've found, that happens with home decor. First it was the bedframe, then the primer, then the paint, then the pillows, then the desk. And now the chair.

Repeat to self:
...I can quit anytime...
...I can quit anytime...
...I can quit anytime...

To quote John Mayer...

Quarter-life crisis: I think that they do, in fact, happen.

Not that I'm going to buy a fancy sports car or anything...although I did recently see a beautiful '65 Porsche.

Repeat to self:

...you do not need a new car...

...you do not need a new car...

...you do not need a new car...

Trendy things in a trendy town

I found myself sipping decaf coffee at a lakeside coffee shop last night, surrounded by students, nerds, and hippies. I'm not sure what category I fit in - it probably depends on the day. I arrived with the objective to complete my homework for a new Bible study in which I'm participating. A group of us gals is starting to study Titus 2, in regards to becoming a Godly woman and in order to better understand the role that God created us for.

It was a good time to just sit, be still, and read the Word. It was more like a Bible drill, hopping to and fro throughout both the Old and New Testaments, but I enjoyed the variety of scripture that they brought into the mix.

I did in fact complete the homework, for which I was thankful. One thing off my plate for the week. Several other things to go.

One an ickier note, I got immunized yesterday. I am deathly afraid of shots, so I was dreading the appointment. I was pleasantly surprised, however, throughout the entire experience. It became blatantly obvious that I have no clue about my medical history, and apparently, my medical records are filed away in a warehouse of sorts. So, I'm banking on the fact that I'm up to date with all of that mess, since finding out would be quite a task.

The travel nurse was so nice, and I honestly barely felt the shot. I only got Hep A, and I was thankful that there wasn't anything else that she had to do. The fun will continue, however, after I go to pick up my Typhoid pills. I've heard that those aren't the most fun things in the world, but it's got to be more fun than actually getting Typhoid. Sign me up!

Weekend updates

This weekend was quite productive, from a "nesting" point of view. I helped my roommate paint our downstairs a bit. Both the living room and the entryway have fresh splashes of color! Fun stuff!

The one wall in our entryway is now a yellowish color. Sounds icky, but really looks great. It'll look even better once we get a new key-hanger-thingy. Our little black cabinet looks really good against it.

The living room is now partially cranberry red. Just 3 walls are red, so the other 2 are still white-ish. Yes, not quite white, as we found out while trying to touch it up. Oh well, it still looks awesome, in my opinion.

The next room to go will be the tiny downstairs 1/2 bath. We're thinking kind of an apple green, namely because that's the spare paint that some of our friends have lying around. Should be neat.

We're trying to get our third roommate to paint her room, though finding a color might be tough. She's got a stinkin' huge room, but she also has very bright colored furniture. It'll be challenging, but we're confident that there is much progress to be made. Keep you posted.....

By the way, I ordered a desk online from Target today. There was "free shipping," so I clicked the little button next to "1 day shipping." Yeah, that basically more than doubled the price of the desk. So I went back and clicked the "3-5 day shipping." That's the shipping that was free.

Amended advertising: "Free shipping on really, really slow stuff." Though granted, that's not as catchy as "Free shipping."

How was your weekend?

Whistle while I work

I've lived in my room for about a year now. Within that time, I dismantled my previous bed (leaving my bed on the floor), rearranged the furniture once, and hung 3 pictures. It was pretty sad and barren, longing for someone to come and dress it up a bit.

So after a chat with my more color-adventurous roommate, I decided that some changes were needed. I bought a bed frame, which made a huge difference. I also decided to paint a wall. And I've been at it for several days now.

The color? Dressage Red. You can check it out here (just scroll down past the grays), but it's a little brighter in-person. Yeah, bright is the right word I guess.

Apparently to paint a white wall red, you need a swift talking to by the paint guy at Home Depot. So after a counseling session at the paint desk, I set off to start the process. One coat of dark pink primer on Sunday. One coat of Dressage Red on Tuesday night. Another coat before heading off to work this morning.

It's starting to take shape. I figure I may need a touch-up here and there, but overall, I'm pleased. I've only spilled on the carpet once (in my haste this morning), but I got most of it up (and my bed goes over that spot anyways). No worries.

...though I probably should have asked my landlord first...

(For those of you that saw the Chinese Red wall in my previous apartment, it's quite simliar....)

Sheer talent

There's something about seeing talented people express their gifts. It just moves me. I become like a proud parent, watching them on stage, or hearing them read, or taking in their work. Tears well up within me to see people I may or may not know just being who they were created to be (whether or not they know they were created to be just that!).

So last night I went to a CD release party. Yes, I feel hip saying that...."CD release party." But let me remind you, just yesterday I was dismantling a 3 year old laptop for fun. "Hip" is not something that I'm familiar with.

Anyhow, it was at said party that I, once again, got that proud parent feeling. A friend of a friend was releasing her debut album, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. She's a cute, funky, young Asian girl who can play the guitar quite well. Though the venue was small and loud, her voice still cut through the air straight to you. Crisp, clean, powerful yet restrained.

I bought a CD.
You should too.
Buy a CD from Betty Soo.

My life as a techie

My laptop has been "running hot" lately. So hot, in fact, that I cooked dinner on the bottom of it last night. It's also been rather cross with me lately, beeping at me when it starts up, screaming about some #M1004 error code, and running his fans WAY too loud. I told him to never use that language with me again, or it might cost him a serious time out.

Well, he was at it again today, beeping and sreaming, letting off steam. So I let him have it. I came to work today with a mini-screwdriver in hand. And use it I did!

I started ripping screws apart, pulling off brackets and plates, prying at things with scissors so that they would pop off. My goal in this endeavor? I wanted to clean the heatsink. Do I know what a heatsink look like, or where it's even located in the computer? Not really. But I figured that taking the thing apart one small screw at a time was better than nothing.

I carefully set aside a piece of paper on my desk, with the different parts labeled as they were on the computer: "A" parts here, "K" parts there, and so on. I also wound up with a "Random" pile, which wound up being quite useful.

I realized I was in over my head when I couldn't get the monitor or the hinges back in place. I also realized that the more I jammed things and snapped things, the more tiny pieces of plastic shot off in random directions.

So after about 30-45 minutes, I realized I was putting the hinges on backwards. Right. I got it all back together and gave it another try. Upon turning it back on, he still beeped at me, but his fans were slightly more subdued. Mission accomplished?