Thursday, June 30, 2005

Do you feel as un-cool as I do?

I get bored sometimes. I guess we all do. My current solution to this problem is to read other people's blogs. When I initially set this one up, I just started clicking on the "Next Blog" link. However, the items that I stumbled upon weren't really along the lines of what I was wanting to read.

So I started going to the links that other friends had on their pages. Several weeks later, I have 19 pages bookmarked under a category I lovingly refer to as "Random Blogs." It's a good way to use that 5 minutes of downtime in between meetings that would otherwise go towards daydreaming or email checking. So I feel creatively productive.

But one common theme among many of the authors: they all talk about how they have nothing to talk about. They do this at least once, but I'm sure that feeling hits them at least semi-frequently. It's practically an epidemic of feeling inferior to other authors out there. There are articles about how to write a better blog. There are pages dedicated to how to put fancy spinning pictures on your blog to make it niftier (is that a word?).

But still the struggle of feeling uncreative continues. I, too, struggle with this. How open do I want to be? How much of my life do I want to share? If I put opinions out there, what if someone disagrees? Better to not put any opinions out there....I convince myself.

But one of the very reasons I registered this here space was to put thoughts "on paper" - to express the spaghetti thoughts (thanks Mandy!) that pile up in the giant bowl that is my brain. Have I accomplished that? Maybe. Has it been as creative as I'd like it to be? Not really, but does that make it bad? Not necessarily. So I guess I'll keep going. Maybe I just need to pretend like no one reads this (hmm, does anyone read this?). It would feel more anonymous if I thought no one did. Don't get me wrong, if you're reading this, I'm glad that you do. But if I'm really going to put real, honest thoughts on here, it might be better to pretend like you're not there.

I've been told several times by several people that are close to me, that it's hard to get me to be open emotionally. There are probably a multitude of reasons for that, but no one really to blame except for myself. Am I emotional? Sure, we all are. I even had to put tissues in my car the other day for this very reason. But I don't necessarily feel the need to talk about those emotions all the time. I guess because it feels weak, it feels like I would be burdening others with my thoughts, and it feels like no one else should really give a flip. But I know that's not true, because I enjoy it when people around me do the very thing I can't. I love to hear about what's going on in their lives, how they feel, what they've been up to.

I was asked last night by a friend how I was doing, what was going on in my life. I honestly couldn't come up with much to say, though at the same time, there was indeed much to say. I told him about work, about stress, and about my upcoming trip. But I still felt really closed and I couldn't get around my own roadblock.

So sometimes, we don't have anything to say. And I guess it should feel ok to say that.

You: Hey, what have you been up to lately?
Me: Not much. Just taking Typhoid pills. How about you?
You: Eh, not much.

Does that sound boring? Yep. Pretty much. But that's life right now and I'm ok with that.

Rant about my job...

I've been sad at work lately. I honestly think that I *may* be getting an ulcer, but that wouldn't be so fun. And I may be a bit of a hypochondriac….but nevertheless, my stomach really hurts when I get stressed out. I know I'm not supposed to be anxious (Phil. 4), but it comes and goes.

I'm sad because I see people making decisions and commitments that directly impact the well-being and "work / life balance" of other people. And I think that I've become one of the people who is making those decisions. Or maybe it just feels like I am…the verdict is still out.
There's a system that's supposed to work. We're supposed to trade things off. But I've been stripped of all of my supposed leverage.

Ideal Situation:
Me: "You want A and B, but I can only give you A or B. Not both."
You: "Well, it's true that I do want both A and B. But B is more important, so I want B."
Me: "Deal."

The way it really tends to work:
Me: "You want A and B, but I can only give you A or B. Not both."
You: "Well, I HAVE TO HAVE A AND B."
Me: "I understand your needs, but we can only do so much with what we have. Please pick either A or B. I can't give you both."
You: "I HAVE TO HAVE BOTH A AND B. I'LL ESCALATE TO MANAGEMENT TO GET IT."
Me: "Ok. Please feel free to call management and we'll discuss tradeoffs."
Management (addressing me): "What kind of tradeoffs do we need to make?"
Me: "I can only give them A or B, not both."
Management: "Get them to make a tradeoff."
Me: "I tried that. They say they need to have both."
Management: "They can't have both."
Me: "I know."
You: "IF WE DON'T GET BOTH THEN THE COMPANY WILL GO IN THE TOILET."
Me: "So we have no choice?"
You: "No."
Me: "I'm sad." (realizing that because of what just transpired, 3 people have to work overtime to accomplish A and B.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

My cd player

I heard this on the way to work today, and I really enjoyed it:
What e'er my God ordains is right.
Holy His will abideth.
I will be still what e'er He does,
and follow where He guideth.
He is my God, though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall.
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.

What e'er my God ordains is right.
He never will deceive me.
He leads me by the proper path,
I know He will not leave me.
I take content, what He hath sent.
His hand can turn my griefs away,
And patiently I wait His day.

What e'er my God ordains is right.
Though now this cup in drinking
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it all unshrinking.
My God is true, each morn anew.
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.

What e'er my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken.
Though sorrow, need or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken.
My Father's care, is round me there.
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.
You should check out the cd.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Deep in the heart of Texas

That's where I've spent the last day or so. A group of us that will soon depart to the other hemisphere decided that we needed to bond a bit, and what better place to bond than the middle of nowhere? This might be a long post, but a lot happened, and I'll try to make it worth your while to stick with the whole story.

Literally, the directions to even get there were something like, "Once you get on the dirt road, stay to the right. Cross the dry creek bed, and proceed on the dirt road. After the road turns into a gravel road, turn hard to the left. Then it becomes a grass road, go up a hill, then a sharp turn the the left. You'll see two gates..."

So we were hoping to get there around 8, and we kind of did. We got to the gate at 8 (I didn't intend for that to rhyme...). Anyhow, the gate had 3 locks on it. One rotary combo lock, one "girlscout" combo lock (the kind where you pick 4 numbers and align them correctly), and one Masterlock key lock. We had a combination for the girlscout lock, but apparently, not the right combination. We tried for a few minutes (about 20 or so), since everyone we called about it was difficult to reach (cell phone are no bueno when you're in the middle of nowhere).

So we hiked to the house, while looking for two things along the way: 1) the breaker box for the electricity and 2) the spot to turn the water on. We made it to the cabin after about a 10 minute walk. The landscape was beautiful - tall pine trees, filling the air with a fresh aroma of raw nature.

When we got to the cabin, the instructions to actually find the key were also a bit convoluted. "On the chimney, go up 3 big rocks. You'll see a fist-sized rock, and under it will be the key." Right. We searched that darn chimney for about 20 minutes, while rapidly losing daylight.

So I went around the back with a few others to see if we could find "alternate" routes into the structure. There happened to be a screen door with a tiny hole (i.e. the size of my tiny chicken wing of an arm), so I reached through and tried to unlock it. MacGyver must have been the last person through the house, because there was no getting in.

Recap - it's getting dark; 3 cars are about a 10 minute walk from the cabin; they are behind a gate that we can't get open; and we're trying to break into a cabin in the woods.

One of the team members made it half way up the chimney, climbing up the jagged rocks that poke out from all side in all angles. He picks up a rock, and voila - the key! So we're now into the cabin. And wow, I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. My first instinct, as an avid insect lover (liberally using heavy sarcasm) was to scan the room for creatures that have more than 2 legs. Almost immediately, I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen. It had a "funnel web" which apparently means bad news. So we started to consider how to kill it, and it immediately scurries into a folded up camping chair. That chair rapidly made it out to the woods, spider in tow.

So I started looking around a bit more. We found 2 more large spiders, one of which we aptly named "Big Momma." Why did we name it Big Momma? Well, it was about the size of a small Eurpoean car, but it had a web, and multiple eyes/legs. We decided that our best weapon, aside from an armored military vehicle, was the shop vac that happened to be in the "living room." We sucked those spiders right up, but not before I snapped some crazy arachnid pictures!

Recap - we got into the cabin; we found multiple large spiders (which we think might be Brown Recluses); we sucked two of those spiders up with a shopvac and threw one out into the woods; it's getting dark; 3 cars are about a 10 minute walk from the cabin; and they are behind a gate that we can't get open.

Brilliant! So while some of the team members readied the house (i.e. vacuumed up all the spiders), the rest of us went back down to the gate. We had two flashlights and a really sweet (nerdy) headlamp, a toolkit and a whole lotta team spirit. We worked on that darn gate for a good 45 minutes. We tried every combination known to man, we tried taking the gate off the hinges....but alas, no gate.

Until...the same guy who found the key earlier had come down with the rest of the crew. He went to work on the girlscout lock and just started incrementing numbers one at a time. After about 30 minutes or so, voila! Open lock - open gate!

We finally made it to the "clean" cabin about 2 1/2 hours after we first got there. How's that for teambuilding!

The night was toasty, but not unbearable. The girls slept upstairs (in the spider den), and the men were downstairs. I kept waking up paranoid that I was being crawled upon. But things were fine, for the most part. The grossest thing, by far, happened in the morning when I was getting ready. I pulled out my toothbrush from my toiletries bag, but realized that in order to make it down the very precarious stairs, I needed both hands. So I put the non-brush end in my mouth. AHHHHHHH! I spit something out very quickly. At first it looked like black fuzz. But nope, it was a dead spider.

oh.my.goodness.

That's about the most disgusting thing that has happened to me in the past 9 years.

Sure. I can handle using nature as a bathroom. No problem there. I can handle a variety of other ailments or inconveniences. But a huge dead spider in my mouth? Take me out and shoot me.

Other than that, it was pretty uneventful for the most part. But I'm getting really excited about the trip...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

These things are dumb

But if you need to waste 5 minutes of your downtime at work, then give it a try. Here are my results, not that they are hugely accurate or anything. I figured I slanted on the Reformed side of things, but I honestly don't know much about what Methodists belive. I think I'll stick with where I am....

Anyhow, take it with a grain of salt:

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

64%

Reformed Evangelical

64%

Fundamentalist

64%

Neo orthodox

61%

Emergent/Postmodern

50%

Classical Liberal

39%

Roman Catholic

29%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

29%

Modern Liberal

21%

What's your theological worldview?

Houston, we have a problem

I guess I'm just jaded, or polite, but I didn't really think that people honestly conducted business on the phone while taking care of business.

I took a trip to the ladies room today at work to discover that in the stall next to me was a woman who was on the phone. "Maybe she's talking to a friend?" I thought to myself. I know a few girls who do that, though I'm not one of them....my roommate, on the other hand...

Anyhow, so the conversation continued, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhear that they were indeed talking about work (and she was talking to a man! Though even if a woman had been on the other end of the phone, I would have still been slightly appalled). She was having a meeting while going to the bathroom. Am I the only one who thinks this is odd? Or maybe a bit impolite?

Granted, I have worn flip flops to work before. I have worn jeans with an apparent tear in them, unintentionally. But I think those things pale in comparison to this event. Multitasking, yes. Professional, no.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Practice makes perfect

For my upcoming trip to East Asia, I figured it might be good to break out some bargaining, in hopes to be ready to possibly haggle for random street goods at any point during the trip. So I put my meager skills to the initial test last night.

Let it be known, folks at the Dell Diamond do not haggle.

But I gave it a shot anyways. I found out that there's at least a 50 cent margin on funnel cakes.

I also found out that lions don't always eat people. Hmm. Who knew?

Monday, June 20, 2005

Please don't, seriously

I have apparently misplaced my check card. I didn't discover this until I was next in line to pay for my lunch at a dining establishment earlier today. Upon writing my check, the cashier, a man who could not have been more than 5 years older than me, said in a snooty/cool voice:

"I'm gonna need to see a current address and phone number, sweetheart."

Seriously, you're 30. I'm not 12, nor am I 65. You can call me "miss," but not "ma'am," and certainly not "sweetheart." Take my check, hand me my food, and don't make cutsie talk about my beverage selection.

Deal?

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Single mom

I babysat yesterday for three of my cousins. They range in age from 4-11. Two young boys (4 & 5) and one older girl. It was quite an adventure, I'll tell you that.

Highlights:
  • Watching the 4 year old giggle with excitement during "Madagascar"
  • Seeing an elderly woman in the popcorn line look at me with a loving expression as I asked the 4 year old to be patient and stand in line with me
  • Being encouraged in the Ladies room by a 12 year old who thought that the two small boys I had brought in there were mine. (She told me I was doing a good job, after I explained that I was babysitting)
Lowlights:
  • Pulling the car over on the road to break up a fight that took place between the two gentlemen in the backseat over the mini-gameboy (Note: Let it be known that if I ever have kids, I will try my darndest to keep small electronic toys as far away from their tiny little hands as possible)
  • Seeing the 4 year old bean the 5 year old in the face with a softball (Note: Let it be known that this was a total accident, but resulted in a sizeable tantrum)
  • Bedtime (Note: It was entertaining watching the kids try pulling out every excuse in the book hoping to extend their hours of consciousness into the wee hours of the morning)
All in all, it was a fun evening. I think most people in the movie theater and crowded restaurant thought that I was a single parent (who apparently had my first child while I was in Jr. High). I got a lot of "Oooh, sorry for you, hun" looks from the good 'ol boys who were eating their seafood. And the ticket taker (cool high school boy) had zero patience with me as I ordered my tickets while chasing a preschooler around the sidewalk. I think I even caught an eye-roll. Lovely.

But the woman in the concession line seemed genuinely pleased that I used loving discipline to teach patience to the little guy who was trying his best to escape into the crowded theater. She had a kind look on her face. Or at least, that's how I took it. Come to think of it, it might have been more of a "bless your heart" (i.e. you poor girl). Either way, it made me smile.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Now what?

If you've been following my recent home renovation saga, I have a new chapter to write. I've been without a desk for quite awhile - over a year at this point. So I've been keeping an eye out for one, but not pursuing anything seriously (sounds like a relationship...scary).

My roommate sent me a link to this desk and I found that it would suit the space in my room rather well. It was supposed to be delivered either yesterday or today, so I was getting excited. But when I got home yesterday - no desk.

But I guess UPS is like Santa, because when I walked outside this morning to leave for work, a giant box with the word "desk" on it was sitting in my yard. No note. No cookies or milk. Just a box in my yard. So I lugged it up to my room and assembled it swiftly, as I was excited about new furniture.

The desk, if you will notice, also doubles as an "entry table." This wasn't particularly an added bonus for me, but it's good to know. It's also good to know that because of that fact, it's a bit on the tall side. So now my desk chair (borrowed from my roomie) is slightly dwarfed by the table/desk. So I'm now apparently in the market for a desk chair. Yeah me.

Lesson learned - set aside some cash. It's the snowball effect, I've found, that happens with home decor. First it was the bedframe, then the primer, then the paint, then the pillows, then the desk. And now the chair.

Repeat to self:
...I can quit anytime...
...I can quit anytime...
...I can quit anytime...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

To quote John Mayer...

Quarter-life crisis: I think that they do, in fact, happen.

Not that I'm going to buy a fancy sports car or anything...although I did recently see a beautiful '65 Porsche.

Repeat to self:

...you do not need a new car...

...you do not need a new car...

...you do not need a new car...

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Trendy things in a trendy town

I found myself sipping decaf coffee at a lakeside coffee shop last night, surrounded by students, nerds, and hippies. I'm not sure what category I fit in - it probably depends on the day. I arrived with the objective to complete my homework for a new Bible study in which I'm participating. A group of us gals is starting to study Titus 2, in regards to becoming a Godly woman and in order to better understand the role that God created us for.

It was a good time to just sit, be still, and read the Word. It was more like a Bible drill, hopping to and fro throughout both the Old and New Testaments, but I enjoyed the variety of scripture that they brought into the mix.

I did in fact complete the homework, for which I was thankful. One thing off my plate for the week. Several other things to go.

One an ickier note, I got immunized yesterday. I am deathly afraid of shots, so I was dreading the appointment. I was pleasantly surprised, however, throughout the entire experience. It became blatantly obvious that I have no clue about my medical history, and apparently, my medical records are filed away in a warehouse of sorts. So, I'm banking on the fact that I'm up to date with all of that mess, since finding out would be quite a task.

The travel nurse was so nice, and I honestly barely felt the shot. I only got Hep A, and I was thankful that there wasn't anything else that she had to do. The fun will continue, however, after I go to pick up my Typhoid pills. I've heard that those aren't the most fun things in the world, but it's got to be more fun than actually getting Typhoid. Sign me up!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Weekend updates

This weekend was quite productive, from a "nesting" point of view. I helped my roommate paint our downstairs a bit. Both the living room and the entryway have fresh splashes of color! Fun stuff!

The one wall in our entryway is now a yellowish color. Sounds icky, but really looks great. It'll look even better once we get a new key-hanger-thingy. Our little black cabinet looks really good against it.

The living room is now partially cranberry red. Just 3 walls are red, so the other 2 are still white-ish. Yes, not quite white, as we found out while trying to touch it up. Oh well, it still looks awesome, in my opinion.

The next room to go will be the tiny downstairs 1/2 bath. We're thinking kind of an apple green, namely because that's the spare paint that some of our friends have lying around. Should be neat.

We're trying to get our third roommate to paint her room, though finding a color might be tough. She's got a stinkin' huge room, but she also has very bright colored furniture. It'll be challenging, but we're confident that there is much progress to be made. Keep you posted.....

By the way, I ordered a desk online from Target today. There was "free shipping," so I clicked the little button next to "1 day shipping." Yeah, that basically more than doubled the price of the desk. So I went back and clicked the "3-5 day shipping." That's the shipping that was free.

Amended advertising: "Free shipping on really, really slow stuff." Though granted, that's not as catchy as "Free shipping."

How was your weekend?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Whistle while I work

I've lived in my room for about a year now. Within that time, I dismantled my previous bed (leaving my bed on the floor), rearranged the furniture once, and hung 3 pictures. It was pretty sad and barren, longing for someone to come and dress it up a bit.

So after a chat with my more color-adventurous roommate, I decided that some changes were needed. I bought a bed frame, which made a huge difference. I also decided to paint a wall. And I've been at it for several days now.

The color? Dressage Red. You can check it out here (just scroll down past the grays), but it's a little brighter in-person. Yeah, bright is the right word I guess.

Apparently to paint a white wall red, you need a swift talking to by the paint guy at Home Depot. So after a counseling session at the paint desk, I set off to start the process. One coat of dark pink primer on Sunday. One coat of Dressage Red on Tuesday night. Another coat before heading off to work this morning.

It's starting to take shape. I figure I may need a touch-up here and there, but overall, I'm pleased. I've only spilled on the carpet once (in my haste this morning), but I got most of it up (and my bed goes over that spot anyways). No worries.

...though I probably should have asked my landlord first...

(For those of you that saw the Chinese Red wall in my previous apartment, it's quite simliar....)

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Sheer talent

There's something about seeing talented people express their gifts. It just moves me. I become like a proud parent, watching them on stage, or hearing them read, or taking in their work. Tears well up within me to see people I may or may not know just being who they were created to be (whether or not they know they were created to be just that!).

So last night I went to a CD release party. Yes, I feel hip saying that...."CD release party." But let me remind you, just yesterday I was dismantling a 3 year old laptop for fun. "Hip" is not something that I'm familiar with.

Anyhow, it was at said party that I, once again, got that proud parent feeling. A friend of a friend was releasing her debut album, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. She's a cute, funky, young Asian girl who can play the guitar quite well. Though the venue was small and loud, her voice still cut through the air straight to you. Crisp, clean, powerful yet restrained.

I bought a CD.
You should too.
Buy a CD from Betty Soo.

Monday, June 06, 2005

My life as a techie

My laptop has been "running hot" lately. So hot, in fact, that I cooked dinner on the bottom of it last night. It's also been rather cross with me lately, beeping at me when it starts up, screaming about some #M1004 error code, and running his fans WAY too loud. I told him to never use that language with me again, or it might cost him a serious time out.

Well, he was at it again today, beeping and sreaming, letting off steam. So I let him have it. I came to work today with a mini-screwdriver in hand. And use it I did!

I started ripping screws apart, pulling off brackets and plates, prying at things with scissors so that they would pop off. My goal in this endeavor? I wanted to clean the heatsink. Do I know what a heatsink look like, or where it's even located in the computer? Not really. But I figured that taking the thing apart one small screw at a time was better than nothing.

I carefully set aside a piece of paper on my desk, with the different parts labeled as they were on the computer: "A" parts here, "K" parts there, and so on. I also wound up with a "Random" pile, which wound up being quite useful.

I realized I was in over my head when I couldn't get the monitor or the hinges back in place. I also realized that the more I jammed things and snapped things, the more tiny pieces of plastic shot off in random directions.

So after about 30-45 minutes, I realized I was putting the hinges on backwards. Right. I got it all back together and gave it another try. Upon turning it back on, he still beeped at me, but his fans were slightly more subdued. Mission accomplished?