Do you feel as un-cool as I do?

I get bored sometimes. I guess we all do. My current solution to this problem is to read other people's blogs. When I initially set this one up, I just started clicking on the "Next Blog" link. However, the items that I stumbled upon weren't really along the lines of what I was wanting to read.

So I started going to the links that other friends had on their pages. Several weeks later, I have 19 pages bookmarked under a category I lovingly refer to as "Random Blogs." It's a good way to use that 5 minutes of downtime in between meetings that would otherwise go towards daydreaming or email checking. So I feel creatively productive.

But one common theme among many of the authors: they all talk about how they have nothing to talk about. They do this at least once, but I'm sure that feeling hits them at least semi-frequently. It's practically an epidemic of feeling inferior to other authors out there. There are articles about how to write a better blog. There are pages dedicated to how to put fancy spinning pictures on your blog to make it niftier (is that a word?).

But still the struggle of feeling uncreative continues. I, too, struggle with this. How open do I want to be? How much of my life do I want to share? If I put opinions out there, what if someone disagrees? Better to not put any opinions out there....I convince myself.

But one of the very reasons I registered this here space was to put thoughts "on paper" - to express the spaghetti thoughts (thanks Mandy!) that pile up in the giant bowl that is my brain. Have I accomplished that? Maybe. Has it been as creative as I'd like it to be? Not really, but does that make it bad? Not necessarily. So I guess I'll keep going. Maybe I just need to pretend like no one reads this (hmm, does anyone read this?). It would feel more anonymous if I thought no one did. Don't get me wrong, if you're reading this, I'm glad that you do. But if I'm really going to put real, honest thoughts on here, it might be better to pretend like you're not there.

I've been told several times by several people that are close to me, that it's hard to get me to be open emotionally. There are probably a multitude of reasons for that, but no one really to blame except for myself. Am I emotional? Sure, we all are. I even had to put tissues in my car the other day for this very reason. But I don't necessarily feel the need to talk about those emotions all the time. I guess because it feels weak, it feels like I would be burdening others with my thoughts, and it feels like no one else should really give a flip. But I know that's not true, because I enjoy it when people around me do the very thing I can't. I love to hear about what's going on in their lives, how they feel, what they've been up to.

I was asked last night by a friend how I was doing, what was going on in my life. I honestly couldn't come up with much to say, though at the same time, there was indeed much to say. I told him about work, about stress, and about my upcoming trip. But I still felt really closed and I couldn't get around my own roadblock.

So sometimes, we don't have anything to say. And I guess it should feel ok to say that.

You: Hey, what have you been up to lately?
Me: Not much. Just taking Typhoid pills. How about you?
You: Eh, not much.

Does that sound boring? Yep. Pretty much. But that's life right now and I'm ok with that.