So I'm sitting outside of one of my favorite local coffee shops today. The weather couldn't possibly be nicer, and I'm not exaggerating. It is glorious. It is majestic. I could go on, but I won't. Suffice it to say, today is great.
Almost.
Apparently I'm a bit late in being hit by the typical senior year in college "what am I going to do with my life" question. And it finally hit me big time today. What if I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing? To be honest, odds are that I most surely have no clue what I'm doing. At least, all evidence points to that conclusion.
Ironically, we studied Matthew 6 yesterday in church. You know the one about not worrying about temporal, physical things like clothes and food. Yeah, that one. The one I apparently learned nothing from.
It's days like this that make you more conscious of all of those small, secret, quiet plans that you have been making since you were little. (I just deleted a mini-story about a kid wanting to be a fireman, but it wasn't working....so it's gone now. You're welcome). But seriously folks, it seems like one of two things happens a lot. You either dream, and are then crushed when you dream doesn't come true. Or you dream, and you're scared out of your mind when you realize that it actually could happen - and then you don't know what to do with yourself. What more is there to dream of? What if what you once dreamed of is now something you have no desire for? You just didn't realize that until it started happening.
I guess I really have no idea what I'm saying, but I do know that I have a knot in my stomach on what would be an otherwise stupendous afternoon. So I'm going to get a cup of coffee, add some Splenda, and keep on trucking.
2 comments:
man kimmie, I sure miss talking with you... After reading this post and your email yesterday, I just miss knowing what's going on, like the everyday stuff. Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you, and I think that all these things going through your head are pretty normal. We all seem to question our choices and direction pretty regularly, no matter where we are in life or how old we are...
Love ya!
Whoa Whoa.. Easy there nellie :-)
Don't let this develop into a knot in the stomach. It ain't worth it.
I love this topic!!! I go through this periodically. It scares me and hurts me everytime I do it :-) because there is always the danger of realising that I have been completely going down the wrong path till now. But, that fear is not worth the cost, i.e. not seeking clarity around your life purpose. I think it is healthy and necessary for growth and maturity. But, I agree it does cause those sudden unexplained panic moments in life. When you struggle with it and struggle well you come out a better and stronger person, armed with an increased awareness of your strengths, weaknesses, passions, dreams and fears. In the end all you can do is set goals for yourself based on this knowledge, start running and then let God direct you from there.
FWIW from my limited interaction with you, you are rather Good at doing the above :D!!!. So take heart and keep pushing forward, you are struggling with the right questions!
Will be praying for ya! ;-)
=ar
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